4 – I don’t understand

So, I just don’t understand why some people choose to be with people who are bad for them.  I get how people can settle for complacency in a partner, but to actually stay with someone who is so wrong for you…I just don’t get it.  I had a friend who was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.  No matter how many times she left him, she’d always go running back after he made all of these promises about changing.  No matter how many times I told her she was selling herself short, or giving in to what she thought was easy, or letting him control her, she would say I just didn’t understand how much she loved him.

One thing I’ve always promised my friends is that I will be honest with them when they’re hurting themselves.  I’ll be the friend they need and say what they need to hear even if they don’t want to hear it.  That’s what a real friend does.  They look out for their friend.  They want what’s best for their friend.  They want their friend to be happy.  Wanting all of that for my friend and giving it to her straight, cost me my friend.  She didn’t want to hear it.  She didn’t want to believe me.  She hasn’t spoken to me in over a year and a half because “I just didn’t understand.”

And now they’re engaged.

I just can’t be happy for her.  I can’t be happy for someone who has so completely and utterly changed who she is so she can fit into this little space where being physically abused is OK.  Yeah, she has said he’s never done it again.  But she’s also told me that she cringes if he picks up his hand to scratch his head or to put his hand on her shoulder.  Her body still thinks he’s going to hit her again.

She would tell me I don’t understand because I’ve never been in that situation.  That’s because I have enough respect for myself to not allow myself to be in that situation.  If a man ever did to me what he has done to her, God help him.  I wouldn’t stand for it.  I don’t care how much I “loved” him…I’d get over it.

And that’s what she doesn’t understand.  She doesn’t understand that she would get over him.  It’s so sad.  I hate that I can’t be happy for someone who used to be my best friend.  I hate that I can’t and don’t believe a word of his lies.  No matter how much good she says he does for her, I’ll always see the man who hit my best friend.  And she just doesn’t understand that.